Chapter 1

16 WEEKS AGO – SEEMA’S OFFICE

“I’m not supposed to be here!” Robert Sanchez spoke the moment Seema Pourshadi walked into the room.

“Seriously, this is wrong! I’m not supposed to be here. Really, I don’t know why I’m here. I never requested this.”

Without a word, Seema went and sat behind the desk facing Robert.

“No offence to you and what you do, but I’m not supposed to be here.”

Seema simply smiled and nodded. Her reaction surprised him.

“Oh—Okay then. So me being here—this is a mistake?”

Seema kept smiling as Robert rambled on. “You see, when Benny said I had an appointment with you after my session, I thought you were a new specialist I had to see—you know, going to talk about the new—Argh! Anyway, it doesn’t matter, it’s pretty obvious you are a…a…you know—Anyway, I’m sorry. Benny must have made the mistake. I’m not supposed to be here, right?”

“Okay. But Mr. Sanchez, do you know where it is you’re supposed to be?”

The question stopped Robert cold. He knew it was not meant to be anything more than just asking him what room he was supposed to be in but the innocent question forced a dawning realization that other than the multitude of doctors’ appointments and physio sessions, he really didn’t have any other place that he was supposed to be. The purpose of his days had changed. He had now become the one seeking help from other people.

Seema waited for Robert to answer her question. It soon became obvious that he was lost for words, so she spoke. “Benny didn’t make a mistake, Mr. Sanchez. He was the one who told me I needed to see you.”

“No, Benny would not have done that! He knows! I told him. We talked about it. He knows.”

“Knows what, Mr. Sanchez?”

“Can you please stop with the ‘Mr. Sanchez’? I’m not here for a job interview!”

“All right, ‘Roberto,’ is it?”

“Just call me Robert.”

“Oh, Robert, that’s such a great name! All right, Robert, you were saying Benny knows something. So what does he know?”

Robert squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. Other than his parents, very few people ever called him Roberto. The name had suited him more when he was in his twenties when his dark brown hair was all slicked back and he sported a very stylish Clarke Gable moustache. But now at forty-eight, a clean-shaven Robert with a receding hairline was a much closer match to Alan Alda during his last days in MASH.

“Look, he just knows, okay?” Robert held his hand up as if to signal he wanted this conversation to be over.

Seema just nodded in agreement.

“Don’t do that, okay?” Robert looked at Seema who just stared back at him.

“Okay—look, please just don’t do that!”

“I’m sorry, do what?”

“That…that…nodding your head all the time, like you know something I don’t. I’ve worked with a lot of people, you know, and I know what this is. And I’m sorry if Benny asked you. That just makes him another…Damn him! Great! Another person I can’t trust around here!”

“I don’t think he meant you any harm, Robert. Please don’t think Benny was being untrustworthy. I wouldn’t want to—”

“—But he knew! I told him. We talked about it so many times.”

“About what, Robert?” Seema asked calmly in her pleasant Middle Eastern accent.

“About this! About seeing any kind of shrink, therapist, mind doctor. I don’t know, whatever the hell you call yourself. ‘Cause he knew! He damn well knew that I don’t want to be here!”

“Well, if he knew that you didn’t want to be here, do you think Benny knows where you want to be, Robert?”

“No! No! And what the hell kind of question is that? Just stop it, all right?”

“I’m sorry, Robert, stop what?”

“All these damn questions! Look, I don’t think anybody knows where I want to be, all right? For God’s sake, I don’t even know where I want to be anymore!”

Chapter 24

TROY

“He can’t read, mister,” were the only words I ever heard Troy speak. Even when I would go to say hello, Ty would give his younger brother this angry stare, and Troy would immediately shut right up. That little guy couldn’t have been more than ten. Mostly I recall how he would always be scribbling away in that dirty yellow notebook (you know the one). When Troy was busy in that book, his eyes had such a different look. They didn’t look scared. It was like his eyes smiled as he wrote, as if another universe existed in that book, one that was alive and hopeful. But it only was alive in that book, because the moment he looked away from it, those fearful frightened eyes came right back. The first day I saw Troy…that kid…he, well, he just rooted himself in me. And those eyes…I could see them in my sleep at night.

The next time I heard Troy speak was probably about four months later in the back of a police cruiser. I helped Tyrell get this job at one of those photocopy places. Troy was leaning against the window, writing in that notebook of his. I said “hi” but all I got was those ominous eyes sneaking a look at me. Just as quickly, they were back in that book again.

As I opened the door, Tyrell was stepping outside to have a smoke. Then it happened! It was piercing, like lightning crashing out of a calm, clear blue sky…happened just as I was speaking to Tyrell’s boss. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Chapter 28

PHILIP

At the back of the classroom were photographs of every student in Virginia’s class. They were tacked up in one big circle. In the middle of the pictures was the word BE. Under that BE was what looked to be a poem titled: BELIEVE + BELONG = BEHAVE. Robert read it out loud to himself:

To BE or not to BE depends on what you BElieve. If you BElieve you BElong, then that is how you will BEhave! BE-cause that is what you BE and have. So help others BEhave by helping them to BElieve they BElong. And then, everyone can always say they BE-LIVED!

Of course I immediately thought of the big kid from my workshop who didn’t believe people could change, and how he probably didn’t believe he belonged, and perhaps that was why he behaved the way he did—pushing me away.

I don’t think I’ve ever told Virginia how really proud I was of her. She had a purpose: she wanted to make a difference in younger people’s lives. And look at her now, she was actually doing it! Virginia was doing something very few ever seem to be able to do: she was living her life with a purpose and making a living doing it!

Chapter 32

PRESENT DAY — AT THE HOTEL

Back then, looking in the mirror, she imagined her hand was Robert’s hand saying his goodbye as he always did—so slow, so gentle—a caress only her face knew. Love felt so deep and, oh, the way he smiled at her, eyes making her feel more alive, more there. It always felt like one of those once-in-a-lifetime moments. His warm hand, tracing his finger across her lips and always, always saying to her, “Home…These lips will forever be my reason to come home.”

But at that time, she had just heard he was dead under a mountain of snow. She knew Robert was not coming home. She tried everything to hide from the haunting visions she had of his body, tangled and entombed under a huge avalanche of ice and snow. Was he curled up or did he die trying to claw his way out? The images were too torturous to go on imagining. She begged the nervous voice on the phone to do everything they could to find his body. But they told her that the possibility of recovering Robert’s body was very remote because of the dangerous location he was buried in. And although Monique was not a religious woman, she prayed that night in front of her bathroom mirror. She prayed out loud to whatever god would listen. Please let them find Robert, find my husband’s body. Just please bring him home—to see, to know, to bury…

And some gods must have heard, for the moment she asked, her bathroom prayer was interrupted.

“Monique, Monique!” The voice on the phone was out of breath.

“Monique, it’s Robert, Robert…They found him!”